A Satirical Political Beliefs Assessment Test

 

 

THE SATIRICAL POLITICAL BELIEFS ASSESSMENT TEST

 

A Humorous Political Party Quiz to Test

If You're an Archconservative, Leftwing Wacko,

Antigovernment Libertine or a Commie Sympathizer:

Political Satire & Humor for Everyone

 

by

 

Donald J. Hagen

 

Copyright © 2002 - 2009 by Donald J. Hagen

Email: donaldjhagen@yahoo.com

 

 

INTRODUCTION

Political parties share much in common with obscenity. Both are difficult to define, yet, to paraphrase U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart's definition of obscenity, you know a political party when you see it. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that some of the most obscene acts in our nation's history were allegedly the deliberate handiwork of some of the most honored and respected political parties in America. All Americans realize this, which is why becoming a member of the U.S. Supreme Court is such a grueling ordeal.

This test, however, is a work of satire, not a history lesson. Consider all questions in this quiz as purely hypothetical situations, posed to discover your perception of reality, rather than actual reality. Through this testís funny question and answer format you will unearth far deeper insights into your personal political persuasion than on those dry political party tests, which merely pose a dull array of boring questions to give you a rough estimate of whether you are a conservative or liberal.

And rather than using the funny test formats used on all those popular online personality purity tests and quizzes, which merely poke fun of one political viewpoint, this test allows you see the humor in four political viewpoints at once!

 

SECTION I: ISSUES OF GENERAL INTEREST

What follows are not official party positions. Rather, this is an inquiry into your personal beliefs to determine where you fall in the political spectrum.

Key to abbreviations in test questions that follow:

CONS: Conservative (Archconservative)

LIBL: Liberal (Leftwing Wacko)

LBRT: Libertarian (Antigovernment Libertine)

COMM: Communist (Commie Sympathizer)

 

1: Government's practice of stealing from the rich to give to the poor is...

CONS: a crime.

LIBL: a brave, generous and heroic deed.

LBRT: a foolish, misguided attempt at social engineering.

COMM: an inspiration to us all.

 

2: The most egregious example of government waste is...

CONS: the Department of the Interior's $600,000 outhouse.

LIBL: the Department of Defense's $600 toilet seat.

LBRT: the $100,000,000 in emergency funds to buy air conditioners for poor people during the blistering heat wave of 1998. Although, I'm sure there are people who honestly believe that if all those air conditioners saved just one life, then it was indeed a small price to pay.

COMM: the Department of Commerce's entire budget.

 

3: Why do people contribute money to political campaigns?

CONS: To get a good return on their investment.

LIBL: To buy access to corruptible legislators.

LBRT: To support candidates who have views similar to their own.

COMM: To advance the needs of The Party.

 

4: How do you feel about artificially created food products?

CONS: I gobble them up!

LIBL: I think they might pose a potential health risk.

LBRT: Way back in the late 19th century Congress turned its learned attention on a new food product. A huge ruckus was raised by people who eyed this new creation with a deep heartfelt suspicion.

To quell this firestorm of protest (and promote the general welfare) Congress took quick and decisive action--it taxed oleomargarine.

COMM: If Mother Nature can be improved upon, for the greater good of all, go for it.

 

5: What is your favorite quotation?

CONS: "The entire graduated income tax system structure was created by Karl Marx," by Ronald Reagan.

LIBL: "Taxes are the price we pay for civilization," by Oliver Wendell Holmes.

LBRT: "In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another," by Voltaire.

COMM: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need," by Karl Marx.

 

6: What are your personal beliefs about endangered species?

CONS: Spending inordinate sums on hi-tech efforts to save an endangered species is very noble, but sometimes you've just got to know when to let go.

LIBL: Let no species on life-support pass from this Earth unless every means at our disposal is spent on intensive resuscitation efforts.

LBRT: Let those who religiously believe that every species is sacred, spend their own personal funds to purchase vast tracks of virgin habitat where they and all of Charles Darwin's creatures can live together in peace, harmony and normal healthy predator/prey relationships.

COMM: For the sake of our children, and those of future generations, meticulously preserve dead endangered species specimens in formaldehyde in the major metropolitan natural history museums.

 

7: The Center for Public-Health Dietary Self Control releases a study that says eating just one jelly donut is as harmful to human health as smoking 10,000,000 cartons of cigarettes. Do you...

CONS: keep eating jelly donuts.

LIBL: demand that jelly donuts be removed from vending machines, and public school cafeterias.

LBRT: hoard jelly donuts before they are regulated off grocer's shelves.

COMM: hoard jelly donuts so you can sell them on the black market.

 

8: The proper response for jelly donut manufactures regarding the public's concerns over jelly donut's deleterious health effects is to...

CONS: hold a televised press conference, wherein the manufacturers eat jelly donuts, and feed them to their children.

LIBL: institute a nationwide jelly donut recall.

LBRT: let any consumers worried about eating jelly donuts simply stop eating them.

COMM: give total control of jelly donut manufacturing to the government.

 

9: My drugs of choice are...

CONS: ethyl alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine.

LIBL: marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy.

LBRT: whatever is the latest newly discovered fad drug that the D.E.A. is screaming and wailing about in the press, and warning the public not to experiment with, lest some stupid sorry soul suffer the worst of all possible fates: scrambled brains and deep fried gonads.

COMM: vodka, cigarettes, and reds.

 

10: What techniques are best for maintaining discipline in the classroom?

CONS: If just one student misbehaves, severely punish the entire class.

LIBL: Force boys who refuse to settle down to take psychotropic drugs, such as Ritalin and Prozac.

LBRT: Anyone who doesn't want to be in class can leave.

COMM: Anyone who doesn't want to be in class can be made an example of.

 

11: Endangered spotted owls are spotted nesting in New York City's Central Park. Do you...

CONS: call for an immediate return for to unfettered logging in the Pacific Northwest.

LIBL: call for an immediate moratorium on all new building construction within a 500-mile radius of Central Park, until a comprehensive Spotted Owl Habitat Management Plan has been drafted by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, and approved by the Sierra Club.

LBRT: call for Central Park, and all U.S. Forest Service land to be sold to the highest bidder.

COMM: call for Central Park to be confiscated by the U.S. National Park Service.

 

12: What are the greatest books of all time?

CONS: - "More Guns, Less Crime: Understanding Crime and Gun Control Laws", by John Lott

- "Bias: A CBS Insider Exposes How the Media Distort the ", by Bernard Goldberg

- "The Skeptical Environmentalist: Measuring the Real State of the World", by Bjorn Lomborg

- "The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming and Environmentalism", by Christopher Horner

- "The Roosevelt Myth: A Critical Account of the New Deal and Its Creator", by John T. Flynn

- "America the Way it Ought to Be", by Rush Limbaugh

LIBL: - "The Feminine Mystique", by Betty Friedand

- "Unsafe at Any Speed; The Designed-in Dangers in the American Automobile", by Ralph Nader

- "The Population Bomb", by Paul R. Ehrlich

- "Eco-Catastrophe!", by Paul R. Ehrlich

- "End of Affluence: A Blueprint for Your Future", by Paul R. Ehrlich

- "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations", by Al Franken

LBRT: - "Free to Chose", by Milton and Rose Friedman

- "Defending Pornography: Free Speech, Sex, and the Fight for Women's Rights", by Nadine Strossen

- "Separating School and State: How to Liberate America's Families", by Sheldon Richman

- "Separating School and State: How to Liberate America's Families", by Sheldon Richman

- "Atlas Shrugged", by Ayn Rand

- "Facts, Not Fear: A Parents Guide to Teaching Children About the Environment", by Michael Sanera and Jane S. Shaw

- "Waiting to Inhale: The Politics of Medical Marijuana", by Alan W. Bock

COMM: - "Communist Manifesto", by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engles

- "Quotations from Chairman Mao Tsetung", by Mao Zedong

- "Free Land:Free Love: Tales of a Wilderness Commune", edited by Don Monkerud

 

13: What are the greatest sexual manuals of all time?

CONS: - "The Joy of No Sex: Handbook for Higher Pleasure", by Swami Bhaktipada

LIBL: - "The Joy of Sex", by Alex Comfort

LBRT: - "The Joy of Solo Sex", by Harold Litten

- "Recreational Sex: An Insiders Guide to the Swinging Lifestyle", by Patti Thomas

COMM: - "Group Sex", by Ann Arensberg

- "The Ins and Outs of Orgies", by Jack S Margolis

 

14: What should people not be allowed to do in public?

CONS: Offend the sensibilities of others.

LIBL: Offend the sensitivities of others.

LBRT: Offend the sensibilities of yourself.

COMM: Offend the sensitivities of the authorities.

 

15: What extremist groups have you joined?

CONS: - The American Association of Retired Persons

- The Gray Panthers

- The Chamber of Commerce

- The National Rifle Association

LIBL: - Greenpeace

- The National Organization for Women

- The A.F.L./C.I.O.

- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

- Queer Nation

LBRT: - The American Civil Liberties Union

- The Center for Consumer Freedom

- The Hell's Angles

- The American Medical Marijuana Association

- Families Against Mandatory Minimums

COMM: - The Bolsheviks

- The Red Guard

- The Sandinistas

 

16: A cup with that only contains half a cup of water is...

CONS: half full.

LIBL: half empty.

LBRT: an example of shortages caused by government control of our water supply.

COMM: an example of inequitable wealth distribution caused by the inherent social injustice in free enterprise.

 

17: For what offenses should unlimited asset forfeiture become standard operating procedure?

CONS: Drug dealing.

LIBL: Insider securities trading.

LBRT: Nothing. Excessive fines are unconstitutional.

COMM: Being too successful in the marketplace.

 

18: We need to get government...

CONS: out of the boardroom, and to loosen government's stranglehold on America's businesses.

LIBL: out of the bedroom, and to loosen government's stranglehold on America's genitals.

LBRT: all of the above.

COMM: none of the above.

 

19: Cloning human beings...

CONS: must be outlawed. The only person who should be creating human beings is God.

LIBL: must be outlawed. The only permissible nontraditional ways to produce offspring are in vitro fertilization, hiring a surrogate mother, and wife swapping.

LBRT: is a perfectly acceptable method of reproduction, and is a wonderful source of identical twins.

COMM: may one day produce the perfect comrade.

 

20: What's the best way to stop people from illegally crossing our borders?

CONS: Seal the borders so no one can get in.

LIBL: Do nothing to beef up security at the borders, and offer illegal aliens a wide array of free services.

LBRT: Allow unrestricted passage across the borders.

COMM: Seal the borders so no one can get out.

 

21: How would you define the word "profit"?

CONS: What business owners earn by selling a quality product at a competitive price.

LIBL: What business owners RIP-OFF from their customers.

LBRT: What business owners are rewarded with for risking the loss of their own money.

COMM: What business owners RIP-OFF from their employees.

 

22: How do you feel about nude sunbathing?

CONS: Never tried it. Never will.

LIBL: Did it a lot in my college days.

LBRT: Do it so often, I no longer need sunscreen.

COMM: It repulses me. You see, for some mysterious reason, God made naked communists rather unsightly.

 

23: What are your thoughts on castrating (either through chemical or traditional means) repeat sex offenders?

CONS: It's about time we gave those perverts a punishment that fits the crime.

LIBL: That kind of sentence is certainly prohibited by that pesky little clause in the Constitution banning cruel and unusual punishment.

LBRT: Excuse me, but what if the guy is innocent? Is the procedure reversible if years latter the person who really committed the crime confesses?

COMM: Megadittos to the conservative response.

 

24: Global warming...

CONS: doesn't exist. And even if it does, its harmful effects are easily remedied by cranking up the air conditioning to full blast.

LIBL: is already upon us. The sky is warming! The sky is warming!! We must tell Sixty Minutes!!!

LBRT: is the Ecological Calamity of the Month.

COMM: could have one silver lining, if efforts to combat global warming adversely impact The West's industrialized economies.

 

25: What government acronyms would you redefine?

CONS: - BAFT Bureau of Alcohol, Firearms and Tobacco

- BAFT Bureau of America's Favorite Things

- IRS Internal Revenue Service

- IRS Income Redistribution Service

LIBL: - BLM Bureau of Land Management

- BLM Bargain Leases for Miners

- CIA Central Intelligence Agency

- CIA Cocaine Importer's of America

- USFWS United States Fish and Wildlife Service

- USFWS Union of Sport Fishermen and Wildlife Shooters

LBRT: - FTC Federal Trade Commission

- FTC Founded to Thwart Competition

- FICA Federal Insurance Contribution Act

- FICA Federal Income Confiscation Act

- USDA United States Department of Agricultural

- USDA Unimaginable Subsidies for Dairymen and Agribusiness

COMM: - BLS Bureau of Labor Statistics

- BLS Better Lying through Science

 

26: Should gay teachers be allowed in the classroom?

CONS: No. Teachers must be held to strict standards of decorum, because through their example they shape the moral values of their students.

LIBL: Yes. As compensation for centuries of employment discrimination in academia, gays and lesbians must be given preferential hiring treatment when filling all new teaching vacancies.

LBRT: Yes. Learning academic subjects from gay teachers are not going to turn students into homosexuals. If that were possible, homosexuals could be "cured" by forcing them to enroll in classes taught by flaming heterosexuals.

COMM: No, because it might result in a student with confused loyalties.

 

27: Do you think cigarette smoking is addictive?

CONS: No. Although they can become habit-forming, many people quit successful, without suffering the agony of drug withdrawal, so quitting is just a matter of personal willpower.

LIBL: Yes. We have nearly 700,000 acres of American farmland being used to produce a "crop" that can't be eaten, and that has no real economic value outside of its unique pharmacological properties, which is why it is so important to shield young people from cigarette advertising.

LBRT: Yes. The mere fact that nicotine is addictive provides all the more reason to eliminate laws that prohibit minors from smoking. After all, products whose accesses are restricted to "Adults Only," only makes young rebellious teenagers want to use those products even more!!!

COMM: No. People who find themselves unexpectedly thrown into the walls of Soviet Gulags, and are who thereby forced to quit smoking Cold Turkey exhibit no obvious withdrawal symptomsĖ-indeed the lack of tobacco products seems to be the least of their worries!

 

28: What is your position on sex education?

CONS: People should learn about "The Birds and The Bees" at home from their parents.

LIBL: The schools must teach this subject, above all others. Woefully far too many parents aren't comfortable even talking about sex, other than advising that boys only want one thing--let alone explaining to their kids how to properly insert a diaphragm, fully loaded and primed with globs of slippery spermicidal jelly.

Not to mention the difficulties that often arise the next morning trying to pull the diaphragm out--assuming you're even lucky enough to locate the damn thing, even after several hours of intensive Search-and-Rescue efforts.

LBRT: The parents should decide when their children are ready to learn about sex, and how to present the subject to their kids.

COMM: Let students learn about such topics by using the skills of gifted peer-tutors.

 

29: What things should have mandatory warning labels?

CONS: - Movies, books, and records with lots of sex

- Museums with sacrilegious works of art

- The City of San Francisco

LIBL: - Artificial sweeteners

- Tobacco products

- Genetically modified/polluted foods

LBRT: - Books whose contents don't live up their provocative covers.

COMM: - Books, movies, and songs that glorify individualism

 

30: Are warning labels a good thing?

CONS: Yes, forewarned is forearmed.

LIBL: Yes, scary warning labels are an important first step in damaging the public's acceptance of worrisome products, before banning those products completely.

LBRT: No, although I do use them for guidance when I'm looking for an effective non-prescription alternative to Viagra.

COMM: Not really. It is far better to keep objectionable material from even being produced in the first place.

 

31: Have you ever owned one of these bumper stickers?

CONS: - Conservatives do it within the bonds of Holy Matrimony.

LIBL: - Liberals do it liberally.

- Support progressives who hate progress.

LBRT: - Libertarians do it without The State's permission.

- Dedemonize deregulation.

COMM: - Communists do it communally.

 

32: What is the meanest most low-down thing a person can do during a kid's soccer game?

CONS: Cheat.

LIBL: Keep score.

LBRT: Play the game in a municipal park.

COMM: Hog all the glory by not being a team player.

 

33: Remember the good old days when...

CONS: - if someone owed you money, and he couldn't pay you back, you could throw him in Debtor's Prison.

LIBL: - man had not yet developed his addiction to technology.

LBRT: - brassieres were politically incorrect.

- men could whistle at attractive women, and not get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

COMM: - people respected big government.

 

34: When filling out my income tax form, I prefer to discover that...

CONS: I owe money to the IRS, because that means the government gave me an interest free loan.

LIBL: I'm getting a sizable refund from the IRS. Having a little extra income tax withheld from each paycheck is just as good as saving money in a bank, and a relatively painless, yet financially astute method of saving a sizable nest egg by the end of the year.

LBRT: I owe the minimum amount for my tax bracket.

COMM: my income is so low I owe no taxes, and qualify to receive food stamps.

 

35: Who should be required to register with local police authorities?

CONS: - Convicted sex offenders

- Communists

LIBL: - Gun owners

LBRT: - No one

COMM: - Rabble-rousers

- Clergymen

 

36: What should be the highest law in the land?

CONS: God's Law

LIBL: The U.S. Constitution

LBRT: The Law of the Jungle

COMM: The Party Chairman's

 

37: This country arrests over 100,000 teenagers a year for curfew violations. Do you think teenagers should have curfews?

CONS: Yes. Children need limits, or they will walk all over you.

LIBL: No. Curfews cause young people to disrespect the law.

LBRT: No. Curfews are a government intrusion into parental responsibilities.

COMM: Yes. Curfews are good for young and old alike.

 

38: The purpose of a military base is to...

CONS: protect and defend the country.

LIBL: stimulate the local economy of the congressmen's legislative districts where the bases are located.

LBRT: save up enough toxic waste to qualify for an all expenses paid Superfund cleanup.

COMM: sway public opinion.

 

39: Television is saturated with far too much...

CONS: sex, nudity, and underwear advertising.

LIBL: gratuitous violence.

LBRT: PBS programming.

COMM: consumerism.

 

40: How do you feel about nuclear weapons?

CONS: I love them! Just thinking about them really gets my testosterone flowing!!!

LIBL: They scare the crap out of me.

LBRT: They are wrong to use and the best foreign policy is isolationism.

COMM: Like most things in life, size matters.

 

41: Should women be allowed to breastfeed in public?

CONS: No. Women should use baby bottles, rather than flashing their boobs for all the world to see.

LIBL: Yes. It's beautiful, and it's the best food for the baby.

LBRT: Yes. The Founding Father's were obviously referring to public breastfeeding in that "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" clause.

COMM: Yes. A young mother publicly breastfeeding her baby creates a special communal bond between herself and her coworkers.

 

42: Who should be the World's policeman?

CONS: The United States

LIBL: The United Nations

LBRT: No one

COMM: The Communist Superpowers

 

43: What would you consider a valid reason for releasing a convict from prison before he has served his entire sentence?

CONS: - He is dead.

LIBL: - He is dying.

- His sentence was cut in half for not committing any other notably heinous crimes while serving his current sentence.

- He has found God.

- A famous celebrity thinks the convict is rehabilitated.

LBRT: - He is innocent.

COMM: - He has found Lenin.

 

44: The best things in life...

CONS: have a substantial membership fee.

LIBL: need price controls.

LBRT: are subject to the whims of supply and demand.

COMM: have a substantial waiting list.

 

45: What is your vision for America?

CONS: Two Maine lobsters in every pot, and a BMW in every three-car garage.

LIBL: Clean air, clean water, clean energy, clean food, clean underwear, and dirty movies.

LBRT: Make America a place where government institutions don't micromanage people's lives.

COMM: Implement a fresh, new and revolutionary redesign of corporate hierarchies in America's businesses.

 

46: What Tort reform measures do you support?

CONS: - Put ceilings on damage awards.

- Abolish declaring bankruptcy.

- Ban class action lawsuits against businesses, where each "victim" is awarded a coupon for a $5 discount on their next purchase of the offender's product, while the "victim's" attorneys collect millions in legal fees.

LIBL: - Recall judges who make insensitive comments from the bench.

LBRT: - Replace costly litigation with duels to the death. This will substantially reduce the number of people screaming at the top of their lungs that they have been "wronged" by another.

COMM: - Put ceilings on access to the courts. Sadly, in America's current tort system, "The People's Court" has been replaced with "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

 

47: The Communist Manifesto lists ten goals that the party faithful should try to establish in their own countries. Which of those goals do you think should be established in America?

CONS: - Requiring everyone to work

LIBL: - A free public school education

- A severely progressive income tax

LBRT: - None

COMM: - Abolishing private property

 

48: What kind of tattoo would you get?

CONS: An American flag on my heart.

LIBL: A peace sign on my left arm.

LBRT: A marijuana leaf on my butt.

COMM: A hammer and sickle on my belly.

 

49: How would you define acts of true compassion?

CONS: Tough love.

LIBL: Rewarding irresponsible behavior.

LBRT: Letting people learn from their own mistakes.

COMM: Forcing thoughtless children to share their candy with the entire class.

 

50: What is the single most important factor influencing someone's personal success in America?

CONS: What you know.

LIBL: Who you know.

LBRT: What you do.

COMM: Who you oppress.

 

51: A business cheats a customer. The government should...

CONS: ask the industry to regulate itself.

LIBL: regulate the industry.

LBRT: let the injured customer use any means at his disposal to get restitution from the unscrupulous business.

COMM: transfer ownership of the business to its workers.

 

52: What is your paradigm of the ideal society?

CONS: The United States during the 1950's

LIBL: The Welfare-State democracies in Western Europe.

LBRT: The Wild West before "lawmen" ruined it for everybody.

COMM: The Soviet Union during the 1950's.

 

53: What are your favorite slogans?

CONS: - In God we trust.

LIBL: - Don't put profits ahead of people.

- Put critters ahead of people.

LBRT: - Do not tread on me.

COMM: - Workers of the World, unite.

- Embrace groupthink.

- Misery loves company.

 

54: What do you think of Rush Limbaugh?

CONS: Megadittos from across the fruited plain.

LIBL: He is a misguided megalomaniac sorely in need of an FCC investigation.

LBRT: It is the height of hypocrisy for someone who is so fervently opposed to excessive government intrusion into our daily lives, and who so vehemently defends the rights of smokers, and is an admitted consumer of "adult beverages", to oppose the legalization of drugs.

COMM: He is the antithesis of the collectivist way.

 

55: What is your version of the golden rule?

CONS: The neighbors who invest the gold rule, in direct proportion to the amount of gold they invested.

LIBL: Love poor neighbors more than wealthy ones.

LBRT: Do unto your neighbors as they do unto you.

COMM: Love your neighbors more than yourself.

 

56: What are the responsibilities of all good citizens?

CONS: - Pay some taxes, begrudgingly.

- Obey the letter of the law.

- Military service (as long as they are not gay or lesbian).

LIBL: - Pay lots of taxes for the betterment of all mankind--without whinny.

- Military service (as long as they don't tell anyone they are gay or lesbian).

- Vote.

LBRT: - Fight foreign invaders on American soil.

COMM: - Unquestioned obedience.

 

57: Our national energy policy should be...

CONS: - whatever is good for Standard Oil is good for America.

LIBL: - Ban nuclear power.

- Outlaw offshore oil exploration.

- Prohibit mining on federal lands.

- Don't build new hydroelectric dams, and demolish existing ones.

- Mandate electric cars.

- Put price caps on energy prices.

LBRT: - Abolish all government regulation of energy pricing. The law of supply and demand clearly dictates that buyers must accept the risk of fluctuating prices in exchange for stable supplies. Legislated attempts to mandate stable prices means accepting the risk of fluctuating supplies, indeed--even severe shortages.

Which ironically only increases the likelihood of a sudden pent up explosion of skyrocketing prices--the very thing that price controls are supposed to prevent in the first place.

COMM: - Nationalize all oil, gas, and utility companies.

 

58: List your most popular forms of energy, in order of decreasing preference.

CONS: - Nuclear. Enriched uranium produces three million times more energy than the same amount of coal.

- Fossil fuels. According to David Deming, a geology and geophysis professor at the University of Oklahoma, the world has enough known oil reserves to last 500-years.

- Hydroelectric. Dams are inexpensive sources of electricity.

LIBL: - Solar

- Wind

- Costly, experimental, alternate energy sources, that once finally perfected, no self-respecting environmentalist is ever going to permit his precious Earth to be despoiled to mass-produce.

LBRT: - Whatever is the cheapest.

COMM: - Manual labor

 

59: What is the opiate of the masses?

CONS: Television

LIBL: Valium

LBRT: Federal funding

COMM: Religion

 

60: What's the best way to get people to give money to charity?

CONS: Give contributors a tax deduction

LIBL: Embarrass all the stingy rich people who don't contribute by publishing their names in the press.

LBRT: Let donating money be its own reward.

COMM: Countries under communist rule have no poor people. Therefore, the most charitable thing anyone can do is to join the Communist Party.

 

61: The way to relieve prison overcrowding is to...

CONS: throw everybody into solitary confinement.

LIBL: parole offenders who promise to try to be good, and never, ever be bad again.

LBRT: legalize recreational drug use.

COMM: give prisoners a chance to get outside those confining walls, by working on a community service work details.

 

62: What three big lies that must be exposed?

CONS: - Poverty causes crime.

- Freedom of religion is freedom from religion.

- Quotas insure equality.

LIBL: - Morality can be regulated.

- The private sector is more efficient than the public sector.

- Raising taxes hurts the economy.

LBRT: - Laws increase freedom.

- The government can manage the economy.

- Voting for a third party candidate is wasting your vote.

COMM: - Individual citizens can make a difference.

- Labor unions alone can improve the plight of workers.

- Capitalism works.

 

63: During the 1992 Los Angeles riots, the rioting was done by...

CONS: vile hoodlums, who were raised in a moral vacuum. The people who really should be arrested and put on trial are the rioters' parents.

LIBL: political protesters who were voicing their outrage about the Rodney King verdict, police brutality, Reaganomics, and spending cuts on inner-city social programs during the 1980's.

LBRT: opportunistic thugs solely responsible for their own conduct.

COMM: America's victimized proletariat revolting against their bourgeoisie, capitalist oppressors.

 

64: What rights and freedoms should a reasonable person give up in exchange in for greater personal security?

CONS: Privacy.

LIBL: Self-defense, by making guns so difficult to obtain that no one can afford the enormous time and expense required to obtain a firearm.

LBRT: None. I would rather exchange less security for more freedom.

COMM: Freedom of choice.

 

65: What are your dietary preferences?

CONS: Carnivore and proud of it.

LIBL: Strict vegan fundamentalist.

LBRT: Omnivore.

COMM: Omnivore.

 

66: The speed limit should be...

CONS: 75 MPH on Interstate highways.

LIBL: reduced to 15 MPH to save lives, and resources.

LBRT: abolished. This will result in an immediate 50 percent reduction in highway fatalities, because a motorist barreling along at 150 MPH only spends half the time exposed to the hazards of the road, as someone plodding along at 75 MPH.

COMM: irrelevant, because after the revolution everyone will commute in public transportation.

 

67: How do you feel about the death penalty?

CONS: Three big benefits. First, rids the world of one less scumbag. Second, deters other scumbags from committing heinous crimes. Third, provides emotional comfort and solace to victim's families, knowing their loved one's death has been avenged.

LIBL: If killing is wrong, then The State should not be allowed to get away with murder.

LBRT: I just don't have enough faith in any government to give it the power to kill people.

COMM: Public executions are an extremely effective deterrent to crime, however midnight disappearances work equally as well.

 

68: Do you think infamous criminals should be allowed to profit from their crimes by writing books about their dastardly deeds?

CONS: No. People who gain notoriety by committing horrendous crimes do not deserve to profit economically from their actions.

LIBL: Yes. Writing one's autobiography is a tremendous catharsis and is usually the first step an offender makes in turning his life around.

LBRT: Yes. Freedom of speech means freedom of speech.

COMM: No. No one should be allowed to profit from anything.

 

69: Can a person known to have cheated on their spouse, still be considered a viable candidate for high office?

CONS: No. If a candidate can't keep a simple promise to his spouse, how can anybody trust that candidate to keep a promise to the voters?

LIBL: Yes. Just as long the president doesn't appoint the little trollop to a high level cabinet position, such as Secretary of the Interior, or Secretary of Health and Human Services.

LBRT: Yes. Perhaps they've been into swapping from day one of their marriage.

COMM: Sure, no problem. The candidate's affair probably came to light after a nosey newspaper reporter publicized the indiscretion. It is sad to live in a country where the press can so callously destroy the political careers of a nation's best and brightest leaders, without any fear of retribution.

 

70: Masturbation...

CONS: is a sin.

LIBL: is an AIDS era survival technique. Mutual masturbation must be taught in schools as an acceptable alternative to high-risk intercourse, and also to stem the rising epidemic of gonorrhea of the throat, due to the growing popularity of oral sex among our young people.

LBRT: spells relief.

COMM: is difficult when you have no privacy.

 

71: Who were antitrust laws written to protect?

CONS: Competitors of companies accused of violating antitrust laws.

LIBL: Consumers

LBRT: The political careers of the politicians who created the laws.

COMM: The corporate status quo

 

72: Do critics of your beliefs accuse you of being a supporter of...

CONS: the politics of greed.

LIBL: the politics of envy.

LBRT: the politics of anarchy.

COMM: the politics of communism.

 

73: How do you feel when you see news reports that say a very small percentage of Americans own a disproportionately large percentage of America's wealth?

CONS: It thrills me, because it means America still has a healthy business climate.

LIBL: It angers me, because those greedy wealthy people probably got that way by cheating the little guy, committing corporate misdeeds, and earning annual salaries many, many, many times more than the average annual salary earned by the average American worker.

LBRT: It thrills me, because it means if I really work hard, maybe one day I'll be wealthy too.

COMM: It angers me, because it demonstrates one of the most glaring failures of capitalism.

 

74: There is a lot of male bashing going on today. Why do so many women think men are scumbags?

CONS: Penis envy.

LIBL: Because men are scumbags.

LBRT: Women have nothing to complain about. The human male of today is the direct culmination of millions of years of intensive selective breeding by countless generations of women, when deciding who should father their children. If men truly are scumbags, women only have themselves to blame.

COMM: Because men only want one thing, a woman who is great in the kitchen.

 

75: What does the term "school choice" mean to you?

CONS: Give parents vouchers redeemable for an education at any school of the parent's choice, including public, private, and parochial schools.

LIBL: Give students a choice of free publicly funded dry, lubricated, ribbed, or ultra-sensitive condoms, and have expert, caring school administrators decide which school is best for each student.

LBRT: Abolish compulsory education. Don't make schools maximum-security prisons where unruly children are held against their will!

A teacher cannot force feed course material into the brain of a child who does not want to learn. Let students have the option of skipping school entirely, and entering the workforce instead!!!

COMM: Let The State make all educational decisions for its students, because The State knows best.

 

76: What bizarre practices conducted by some human cultures do you find particularly barbaric?

CONS: - Human sacrifice.

- Cannibalism.

- Matriarchal societies.

LIBL: - Animal sacrifice.

- Carnivorism.

- Female circumcisions.

LBRT: - Arranged marriages.

- Shaming people living in torrid tropical climates into wearing clothes.

COMM: - Free enterprise.

 

77: The most convincing evidence that brainwashing exists in this country is the fact that some people truly believe...

CONS: there really is a vast rightwing conspiracy.

LIBL: Supply-Side/Trickle-Down/Voodoo Economics works.

LBRT: Social Security is a retirement savings and investment program.

COMM: the Domino Theory.

 

78: What are the most abused and misused buzz words that you are sick and tried of hearing?

CONS: - Homophobia

- Probable cause

- Gender neutral

LIBL: - Political correctness

LBRT: - Inappropriate behavior

COMM: - Communist plot

- Majority rules

 

79: What's your interpretation of these words from the second amendment of the U.S. Constitution, "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed"?

CONS: The second amendment was established at a time when the average citizen owned a firearm comparable to the weapon used by the average soldier. These weapons were virtually identical in terms of technological advancement, and firepower. Therefore, citizens today have the right to own the same rifles that are currently issued to U.S. Army infantrymen.

This means all those gun control laws banning fully automatic assault rifles with fixed bayonets are totally unconstitutional!!!

LIBL: The second amendment means that the only arms citizens have a right to own are the actual flintlocks and muzzle loading muskets used by soldiers during the Revolutionary War, but only if those guns are retrofitted with trigger locks, and other modern safety devices.

LBRT: Consider the circumstances under which the second amendment was written. America had just fought a war for its freedom, and its people had a deeply rooted visceral distrust of despots.

Clearly, "the security of a free State" that the people's right to bear arms is necessary to insure, means that if, perish the thought, America ever became an un-free state, the citizens would have within their means, the capacity to carrying out a successful rebellion. The second amendment is an insurance policy, and another shining example of one of those checks and balances that were so popular with the framers of the Constitution.

Therefore, the second amendment means that citizens have the right to personally own even the most sophisticated military hardware. Because until the firepower possessed by all the citizens as a whole, equals or exceeds the firepower possessed by all branches of the U.S. Military, our freedoms will forever remain under a cloud of jeopardy.

COMM: The second amendment means citizens have a right to bear arms while serving in the military.

 

80: What 1960's predictions about the future are you thrilled did not come true?

CONS: - World War III

LIBL: - The oceans were not dead by the 1980's.

- The population explosion and resulting global famine did not wipeout the entire human race. Thank God, the godless communists in Red China had the fortitude and political courage to pass laws limiting each family to just one child.

LBRT: - Big Brother may be watching, but at least he's a lot more bumbling than portrayed in George Orwell's novel "1984".

COMM: - America's Yankee imperialism was unable to remove Fidel Castro from power in Cuba.

 

81: What 1960's predictions about the future are you deeply saddened did not come true?

CONS: Atomic power never became so plentiful and inexpensive it could be given away for free.

LIBL: The Earth did not run out of crude oil.

LBRT: Clothing optional beaches never really become mainstream.

COMM: The world's workers never established communist governments in every nation on Earth.

 

82: What is your solution to the lack of affordable housing?

CONS: - Eliminate labor unions from the building trades.

- Repeal requiring Environmental Impact Reports.

- Repeal the Endangered Species Act.

LIBL: - Force developers to build affordable housing units in exchange for getting building permits.

- Fight urban sprawl by protesting against all new housing projects.

- Tax rich people to finance government funded housing developments to provide shelter for high school dropouts, derelicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, and the chronically unemployed.

- Rent Control.

LBRT: - Ban zoning regulations.

- Repeal building codes.

- Eliminate requiring building permits and building inspections.

- Repeal laws governing contractor licensing.

COMM: - Force owners of large, spacious homes to share their homes with high school dropouts, derelicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, and the chronically unemployed.

 

83: What types of scientific research should be prohibited?

CONS: - Fetal tissue transplants.

- Genetic origins of sexual orientation.

- Medical marijuana.

LIBL: - Transplanting animal organs into humans.

- Genetic engineering.

- Medical research that treats lab animals as if they are merely guinea pigs.

- Anti-Ballistic Missile defense systems.

LBRT: - Anything funded using tax dollars.

COMM: - Anti-Ballistic Missile defense systems.

 

84: The primary purpose of carpool lanes is to...

CONS: punish the evil, Earth unfriendly commuters.

LIBL: reward the good, self-sacrificing, resource conserving commuters.

LBRT: demonstrate the illogic of The State. The worst thing any agency responsible for building a road system could possibly do, is to deliberately design roads that impede the flow of traffic.

While some might think carpool lanes protect the environment by enticing people to use fewer natural resources, carpool lanes are actually an unmitigated ecological disaster. By forcing non-carpooling commuters to spend more time inching their way through gridlocked traffic, the environmental impacts of all those commuters are magnified. More smog is produced. More offshore oil is imported. Cars wear out sooner. And, there is a dramatic rise in stress related road rage.

COMM: make people in carpool lanes feel like they are special, which sadly runs counter to government's mandate to treat all citizens equally.

 

85: What are unfair business practices?

CONS: Boycotts by incensed customers.

LIBL: Merging with your competitors.

LBRT: Filing a complaint with the Justice Department in which you accuse your competitors of using unfair business practices.

COMM: Treating employees inhumanely.

 

86: What is the best method for a sitting president to handle negative press coverage?

CONS: Accuse the media of being liberally biased, and then reassure the American people by telling them that their president is not a crook.

LIBL: Accuse the media of being duped into reporting a false and slanderous story concocted by an embittered person with an axe to grind, and then reassure the American people by telling them that their president did not have sexual relations with that woman.

LBRT: Admit he screwed up.

COMM: Round up the reporters and send them to reeducation camps.

 

87: What's your opinion concerning estate taxes?

CONS: Estate taxes are imposed to punish the wealthy.

LIBL: Estate taxes are necessary to level the playing field, by preventing rich families from accumulating too much undeserved wealth over the course of several generations. And thank God, we know no longer live in the Dark Ages, when the firstborn son inherited everything!

LBRT: Estate taxes are an unseemly revenue source--money collected on the backs of widows and orphans!

COMM: The State can certainly put large sums of money to much better public use than some Fat Cat's heirs. In fact, abolishing the right of inheritance is one of the major goals discussed in the Communist Manifesto. But until that glorious day arrives, estate taxes will just have to fill the void.

 

88: What forms of adult entertainment should be legal?

CONS: - Drinking, except on the Lord's Day

- Gambling, in the form of raffles and Bingo to raise money for schools, and charities.

LIBL: - Drinking

- Casino Gambling

- Prostitution (as long as the prostitutes stay within special red light districts zoned for such business activities. However, these businesses must submit to inspections by local health officials, use double-hulled industrial-strength condoms, and obtain a seal of approval from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia.)

LBRT: - Every decadent pleasure conceivable by the human mind should be legal.

COMM: - Drinking, hey,it just doesn't get any better than that!

 

89: What do you think about all the raunchy daytime television talk shows in America?

CONS: There is no better documentation of the moral decay in this country, than the deviants publicly parading their perversions on national daytime television.

LIBL: Daytime TV talk shows provide a needed service, by educating the public about the wide diversity of viable alternate lifestyles.

LBRT: TV networks do not exist to perform a public service. Television is a business whose bottom line profitability is directly related to how well their shows attract and hold a loyal audience. And if some stations choose to attract that audience by creating shows that appeal to the lowest common denominator, I can only applaud their marketing genius.

COMM: Frankly, they make a government of the people, by the people, and for the people a rather scary proposition.

 

90: During the presidential campaign in the year 2000, Green Party nominee, Ralph Nader; Reform Party nominee, Patrick Buchanan; and Libertarian Party nominee, Harry Browne were not allowed to participate in the nationally televised debates. Should nominees from all the political parties on the ballot be permitted to participate in televised debates?

CONS: No. It would be a tremendous waste of our nation's time and energy to have mainstream political candidates share the podium with candidates that have extremist views.

LIBL: No. Giving minority political parties equal access to the national media might poison the minds of the unschooled viewers, who are so easily swayed by the pleas to emotion and the irrational fear-mongering tactics so often employed by candidates from the fringe.

LBRT: Yes. Voters should hear all opposing views, and then be trusted to make a rational decision.

COMM: Absolutely, at least until the Communist Party gains control of the election process.

 

91: What additional government acronyms would you redefine?

CONS: - NWSRA National Wild and Scenic Rivers Act

- NWSRA Needed Water Soon to be Rerouted to Aqueducts

LIBL: - EPA Environmental Protection Agency

- EPA Exempt Polluters Always

- FAA Federal Aviation Administration

- FAA Friends of America's Airlines

- SEC Securities and Exchange Commission

- SEC Stockholders and Executives Club

LBRT: - CPSC Consumer Products Safety Commission

- CPSC Consumer Products Supression Commission

- FCC Federal Communication Commission

- FCC Federally Controlled Commentary

- FSLIC Federal Savings and Loan Insurance Corporation

- FSLIC Funds Secured by Loans to Insolvent Countries

- HUD Housing and Urban Development

- HUD Housing and Urban Disarmament

COMM: - OHSA Occupational Health and Safety Administration

- OHSA Optional Health and Safety Administration

 

92: Should college and professional athletes be permitted to gamble?

CONS: No, it casts doubt on the integrity of the game.

LIBL: Yes, as long as they don't bet on their own games.

LBRT: Yes, it's a great way to learn the economic principles of risk and reward.

COMM: No, nothing in life should be a gamble.

 

93: The best place to educate children is...

CONS: in private schools, that stress the Four R's (Reading, Writing, Arithmetic, and Religion), with classes taught by fundamentalist members of the clergy.

LIBL: in public schools with classes taught by credentialed, unionized teachers that stress self-esteem, and that what matters most is not the ability to correctly answer questions on standardized tests, as long as students can at least make an "educated" guess.

LBRT: in home schools, that stress self-reliance, taught by parents or private tutors.

COMM: in public schools, that stress self-sacrifice, taught by members of the Communist Party.

 

94: What is the best method to combat unplanned pregnancies?

CONS: Require any unmarried woman who gets pregnant to marry the baby's father before their child is born.

LIBL: Protect all schoolgirls by immunizing them with contraceptives, such as Depo-Provera.

LBRT: Encourage parents to maintain good lines of communication with their children, so when that special day finally arrives, their son or daughter won't be ashamed to ask if his or her new love interest can spend the night.

After all, young love is a far more warm and positive experience, if kids don't have to go sneaking around behind their parent's backs. This would mean less anxiety for parents too, because they can closely monitor the young couple, to insure they practice Safe and Sane Sex.

COMM: Keep students so busy and malnourished, they are much too weak and physically exhausted to even think about sex.

 

95: What's your idea of a wild night on the town?

CONS: A wild night of reading Biblical passages.

LIBL: A wild night of eco-terrorism.

LBRT: A wild night of reliving the exploits of those famed Biblical towns of ill repute: Sodomy and Gonorrhea.

COMM: A wild night of plotting to overthrow the government.

 

96: If a person buys a product, and then later injures himself using that product, who is ultimately responsible for his injury?

CONS: The person using the product.

LIBL: The business that manufactured the product.

LBRT: The person using the product.

COMM: The owners and managers of the business that manufactured the product.

 

97: Should a 60-year-old woman be allowed to become pregnant?

CONS: Fine, but only if she becomes pregnant without the aid of medical science.

LIBL: The only reason a 60-year-old new mother is controversial, is because she is a woman. Whenever a male celebrity in his seventies fathers a child everyone thinks it's absolutely wonderful, and pats the proud father on the back.

LBRT: Absolutely.

COMM: No, not without official permission.

 

98: Things that you think need separation.

CONS: - Income and taxes

- Wealth and envy

LIBL: - Religion and reproduction

LBRT: - "Crime" and punishment

- Sin and guilt

COMM: - Property and landowners

- Capital investment and economic return

 

99: Are incredibly exorbitant taxes on cigarettes a good idea?

CONS: No. If smokers were truly addicted to nicotine, then taxing cigarettes would be the moral equivalent of legalizing opium dens, and then having the IRS skim off a percentage of the proceeds.

LIBL: Yes. Smoking cigarettes creates an enormous burden on society. It's time smokers reimburse everybody for the true cost of smoking cigarettes.

LBRT: No. High cigarette taxes spawn smuggling operations. In July of 2000, eighteen members of Hezbollah were arrested for allegedly raising money to fund terrorist activities by buying cigarettes in North Carolina, where cigarette taxes are 5 cents a pack, and then smuggling the cigarettes into Michigan, where the tax is 75 cents a pack.

COMM: No. Cigarettes are a birthright, like food, housing, and healthcare.

 

100: What types of military hardware should private citizens be allowed to own?

CONS: - Fully-automatic assault rifles

- Body armor

- Jeeps and Humvees

- Shoulder launched missiles

LIBL: - Backpacks

- Tents

- Hiking boots

LBRT: - Anything their little old heart desires

COMM: - Hammers, sickles, and pitch forks

 

101: Should parents spy on their children?

CONS: Yes. Sometimes a parent's got to do what a parent's got to do.

LIBL: No. Parents shouldn't violate their children's privacy unless there is strong evidence of severe misbehavior--such as having to bail them out of jail at 3:00 A.M. for curfew violations and armed robbery.

LBRT: No. I trust them.

COMM: Yes, and vise-versa.

 

102: Iraq re-invades Kuwait. The United States should...

CONS: initiate Operation Desert Storm II.

LIBL: send a crack negotiating team to Baghdad to tell Iraqi leaders--in the strongest diplomatic terms possible--to please remove their troops from Kuwait.

LBRT: stay the Hell out of it.

COMM: demand that Iraq share Kuwait's oil with the world's underclass.

 

103: What do you think are good indicators a person might be involved in a criminal enterprise?

CONS: - He pleads the Fifth Amendment.

LIBL: - He drives in a gaudy expensive car.

- His nickname is also his alias.

LBRT: - He carries a government inspector's badge.

COMM: - He looks a little too well fed.

- He has all his teeth

 

104: What is the best method for controlling agricultural pests?

CONS: Spray crops with EPA approved pesticides.

LIBL: Use only biological controls, such as releasing ladybugs to prey on pests. Farmers must accept lower crop yields as an acceptable compromise to make in order to keep from harming the unintended victims of pesticide spraying.

LBRT: Let the farmer spray his crops with any damn poison he wants!

COMM: Exterminate any farmer that refuses to join the collective farm.

 

105: Should students be allowed to bring weapons to school?

CONS: Ordinarily, no, except perhaps on special occasions, such as the opening day of hunting season, "Show and Tell" type class projects, or when taking courses to get a concealed weapons permit.

LIBL: No. Students should not even be permitted to play with imaginary toy weapons, let alone bring a real weapon to school.

LBRT: Absolutely. Many of today's schoolyards are battle zones of gang warfare. A student packing heat to insure his personal safety is surely a constitutionally protected form of bearing arms.

COMM: No. The only people normally on school premises who should be permitted to carry weapons are members of the secret police.

 

106: Should children learning math be required to memorize multiplication tables?

CONS: Yes. It lays the foundation for everything else. Not teaching students the multiplication tables is criminal negligence.

LIBL: No. All rote learning is wasted effort.

LBRT: That should depend on the local school's curricula choices, not The State's.

COMM: Yes. Communal goals demand that all students learn their quota of difficult subjects.

 

107: What should be done to protect agribusiness from unflattering news reports about all the alleged health hazards due to pesticides, sanitized human sewage fertilizers and Bovine Spongiform Encephapathy in our food supply?

CONS: Pass laws making it illegal to speak disparagingly about fruits, nuts, chickens, and beefeaters. Classify such remarks as hate crimes.

LIBL: Nothing. Food safety is so vitally important these issues must be tried in the Media's Kangaroo Court of Paranoid Public Opinion.

LBRT: Nothing. All those veggie-libel laws are unconstitutional.

COMM: A tainted food supply is news so vitally sensitive it must be suppressed.

 

108: What should be the minimum requirement for getting a high school diploma?

CONS: - 4 years English Literature

- 4 years Latin

- Biology, Chemistry, and Physics

- Algebra, Geometry, Algebra II, and Pre-calculus

- 4 years History

- 1 year Western Civilization

- 1 year Basic Economics

- 1 year Marksmanship and Firearms Safety.

LIBL: - Able to read at a 6th grade level

- Able to write well enough to fill out a job application

- Able to add and subtract well enough to balance a checkbook (with the aid of a pocket calculator).

- 1 year Eastern Civilization

- 4 years Health, Hygiene and Human Sexual Practices

LBRT: - Getting passing grades on all your classes.

COMM: - Perfect conduct

 

109: A California company is offering what might be the high stakes investment opportunity of a lifetime! An estimated 400 million dollar treasure trove sits inside a shipwreck, and a treasure hunting company is raising money to finance the recovery effort. If you want to get in on this deal, you must act fast.

Actually, to get in on this deal you will need more than just a willingness to invest. Because of the highly speculative nature of this venture, California law requires that only "sophisticated" investors be allowed to participate.

In layman's terms, sophisticated investors are people, whose net worth is at least $250,000, excluding homes and other possessions. So, are you interested in investing?

CONS: Hell yes. I always keep at least ten percent of my portfolio in something speculative.

LIBL: Hell no, and it it's a damned good thing the State of California is policing these types of transactions.

LBRT: Hell yes and it angers me that the State of California thinks it has the power to decide what kind of investment risks I should be allowed to make--with my own money. I don't need The State protecting me from my own bad investment choices.

COMM: Hell no, and if any treasure is recovered, The State should expropriate all the gold and artifacts, and then put them on display in a museum for everyone's enjoyment.

 

110: What do you think of government run state lotteries?

CONS: It is morally reprehensible for governments to even condone gambling, much less run their own gambling operations.

LIBL: They are permissible as long as the proceeds go to fund worthy causes, such as schools, homeless shelters, and Gambler's Anonymous programs.

LBRT: Considering the extreme odds against winning, perhaps the State of California should pass a law mandating that only "sophisticated" investors be permitted to purchase tickets for California's state lottery.

COMM: No. State run lotteries promote greed.

 

111: A former defense contractor announces the development of a new hazard avoidance feature for cars. When the safety system's onboard radar detects an impending collision, the car automatically deploys a rocket-powered ejector seat that shoots its occupant 37,000 feet into the air, then parachutes him gently to Earth. Needless to say, this feature would raise the price of cars by a factor of ten. We should...

CONS: let auto manufactures study the devices, and make their own determination about the suitability of adding ejector seats to their product lines.

LIBL: require every car company doing business in America to make ejector seats standard equipment by the release of next year's model year. Make it a Federal offense to disconnect or tamper with emergency ejection equipment.

LBRT: wait until the auto industry's engineers design ejector seats that are economically feasible. In the meantime, let consumers who want the ultimate in motoring safety, purchase ejector seats for their own cars in the after market.

COMM: force the incorporation of ejection seats in mass transit systems.

 

112: Your 13 year-old daughter says she is pregnant. You...

CONS: tell her she must carry the baby to term, and then give it up for adoption.

LIBL: have her go see a doctor at your local women's health/abortion clinic.

LBRT: tell her she has to solve her own problems. Then invite the baby's father over to the house for dinner, and tell them that if they truly love each other, maybe it's time they seriously considered marriage.

COMM: ask the government to support the child from cradle to grave.

 

113: What method would you use to combat federal budget deficits?

CONS: Lower the size of the spending increases already planned in next year's budget.

LIBL: Turn the Justice Department loose on large corporations. File lawsuits against every business whose activities even remotely harm the health and well-being of others, including these evil paradigms of modern villainy:

- Big Cars, for alleged injuries resulting from failing to lobby strongly enough to prevent auto airbags from becoming mandatory optional equipment.

- Big Boobs, for faux silicone breast implant illnesses inflamed by the media's feeding frenzy of fear induced mass hysteria.

- Big Mines, for the severe emotional anguish environmentalists must endure just thinking about all the havoc and habitat degradation caused by strip mining.

- Big Box Discount Retailers, for the unfair business practice of attracting customers away from their competitors by unscrupulously selling products at lower prices.

- Big Processed Foods, for the severe mental trauma endured by diners having to worry about the long term consequences of eating foods containing chemicals with scary sounding names like butylated hydroxyanisole (BHA) and butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT).

- Big Internet Chat Rooms, for dashing the hopes and dreams of millions of singles and married people still searching for that someone special.

LBRT: Eliminate every federal spending program except the Department of Defense. Then cut defense spending by replacing career soldiers with private mercenaries.

COMM: Make people stand in even longer lines to receive government services.

 

114: What are your thoughts on women's rights issues?

CONS: Its time the women's liberation groups accept the fact the men and women have some basic physiologically design differences that give each sex profoundly different strengths and weaknesses. Hey, if God wanted men and women to be the same, He would have made us all homosexuals.

And speaking of the battle of the sexes, some women think male lions have a cushy life, because the lioness does the hunting. But who would you rather be, a lioness out on a family hunting trip with her sisters, all working together to catch some sickly gazelle; or a male lion, alone against another male lion, in his prime, feeling his oats, 450 pounds of testosterone enraged fury all focused on one goal--stealing your women.

LIBL: Until an Equal Rights Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is ratified, women will forever remain second-class citizens.

LBRT: If a woman has the balls to enter a male dominated profession, more power to her. But she shouldn't be allowed to file formal grievances claiming that her delicate sensibilities were offended because a male coworker told a dirty joke, read a men's magazine on his lunch hour, or shared his love of the feminine form by wallpapering his cubicle with his favorite centerfolds.

COMM: Under communism both men and women have equal responsibilities and duties to The State.

 

115: List simplistic things people should do to help save the Earth's environment?

CONS: - Sorry, nothing comes to mind.

LIBL: - Search for long lost toxic waste dumps. This is not a difficult undertaking. Sites with organic wastes can easily be uncovered by doing a series of controlled burns. Any site still blazing three days after all the surface vegetation has been reduced to ashes just might have organic solvents lurking beneath the soil.

- To locate radioactive dumpsites, organize crack teams of atomic veterans to comb the streets with Geiger counters.

- Shun exercise. Active people have hardy appetites so try to be as sedentary as possible.

- Demand that all Americans to adopt a Third World lifestyle right here in the states.

- Eat lower on the food chain. Add these low impact Eco-Nouveau entries to your daily fare: la cucaracha burritos with refried bees, Spanish lice, and baked potato bugs.

LBRT: - Go naked. Massed produced clothes are ecologically costly to manufacture and distribute. Also, phosphate-laden detergents are often released into the environment when laundering soiled clothing. But the really heinous crime is when perfectly good clothes are thrown away merely because their owner's can't bear to have a wardrobe that isn't on the cutting edge of fashion. Your nudity will demonstrate your environmental awareness, and encourage others to do disrobe as well.

- Permit environmentalists concerned about each person's impact on the biosphere to lessen that burden by legalizing physician-assisted suicide.

COMM: - Save water by only showering once a month at the Worker's Paradise Public Bath.

 

116: What do you fear?

CONS: - The Federal Reserve raising interest rates

- International trade wars

- Fear-mongering Press

- Socialized medicine

- Stock market crashes

- False profits

- False prophets

- Non-judgmentalism

- Gay scoutmasters

LIBL: - Special interest groups

- Globalization

- Prescription Drug Side-effects

- Contaminated ground water

- Under-cooked hamburgers

- Asbestos

- The International Monetary Fund

- Heavy metals

- Buying a car that's a lemon

- Bovine Growth Hormone

- Tanked oil tanker captains

- Disenfranchisement

- West Nile Virus

- Multinational corporations

- Dioxins

- Fire Ants

- Empty calories

- Trichinosis

- Deranged assault weapon wielding snipers

- Cartels

- Housing developers

- Lyme disease

- Free Trade

- Nanotechnology

- Acrylamide

- Denuding rainforests

- Hantavirus

- Nuclear arms

- Corporate conspiracies

- Date Rape drugs

- Secondhand smoke

- Ebola

- Diesel Soot

- Strangers

- Freon

- Overpopulation

- Genital warts

- Serial killers

- Botulism

- Polychlorinated Biphenyls

- Desertification

- Road Rage

- Sexual Predators

- Acid rain

- The hidden tentacles of big business

- Lead-leaching dinnerware

- Defoliants

- Nuclear power

- Random violence

- Over fishing

- Urban sprawl

- Identity theft

- Flesh eating bacteria

- Disinformation

- Gene therapy

- Plutonium

- Carcinogens

- E. coli

- Radon gas

- The World Trade Organization

- Flurocarbons

- Legionnaire's disease

- Deforestation

- Biotechnology

- Sexual harassment

- Africanized killer bees

- Price manipulation

- Mercury

- Lobbyists

- Radioactive waste

- Schoolyard assassins

- Deceptive advertising

- The General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade

- Mutagens

- Toxic shock syndrome

- The Trilateral Commission

- Postal postal workers

- Affluenza

- Profiteering

- Non-native flora and fauna

- Disease laden kitchen sponges and dishrags

- Confusing ballots

- Spontaneous combustion

- Subliminal messages

- Cold sores

- Severe sunburns

- Irrational fears

- Bacteria

- Overuse of antibiotics

- Diphtheria, Whooping Cough, and Tetanus

- Diphtheria, Whooping Cough, and Tetanus Vaccines

- Better living through science

- Television news teasers that say, "If you don't watch our special report tonight, you just might wind up dead by morning!"

LBRT: - America becoming a nation of lily-livered wimps

- Regulatory overload

- Politically empowered technophobes

- LSD Flashbacks

COMM: - Hunger

- Homelessness

 

117: What have you lost sleep recently worrying about?

CONS: - Judicial activism

- Moral decay seeping in

- The erosion of respect for life

LIBL: - Judicial restraint

- Limbaughism seeping in

- The erosion caused by off-road vehicles

- The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA)

- White-collar crime

- The great digital divide

LBRT: - Judicial abandonment of state's rights

- The erosion of personal liberty

- Government paternalism seeping in

- America becoming The Mother of All Nanny States

COMM: - Judicial abandonment of stiff sentences

- The erosion of state sponsored safety nets

- Entrepreneurialism seeping in

- The Wealth Gap

 

118: What are the best forms of taxation?

CONS: - Flat taxes, where everyone pays the exact same dollar amount. Clearly, it doesn't require a Harvard MBA to see that flat taxes are truly the fairest way to equally distribute the tax burden among all citizens.

Incredibly, many so-called fair-minded liberals are against flat taxes, and argue that progressive income tax brackets are the "fairest" form of taxation. Now what sort of twisted logic is that? And yes, Ronald Reagan was absolutely correct when he observed that graduated income tax brackets were invented by Karl Marx.

Now the surprising irony about the widespread popularity of graduated tax brackets, is that despite their image a as a politically powerful segment of society, the wealthy remain the only group of people that it is still perfectly legal--and in fact, expected--to discriminate against.

And to make matters worse, the media constantly perpetuate negative stereotypes about the affluent minority. In novels, movies, and TV shows wealthy characters are always portrayed as a vile heartless blend of the very worst qualities of Ebenezer Scrooge, Scarlet O'Hara, and Snidely Whiplash.

LIBL: - Graduated Income Taxes

- Corporate Income Taxes

- Jelly-donut Taxes

- Soda Taxes

- Luxury Taxes

- Excess Profits Taxes

- Gift Taxes

- Estate Taxes

- Gasoline Taxes

- Windfall Profits Taxes

- Sin Taxes

- FICA Taxes

- Property Taxes

- Alcohol Taxes

- Guzzler Taxes

- Cigarette Taxes

- Employer Paid Taxes

- Sales Taxes

- Oleomargarine Taxes

- Junk Food Taxes

- Corporate Polluter Taxes

- Hotel/Soak the Rich Out of Towner's Taxes

- Business Regulation Compliance Costs/Taxes

- Behavior Activists Disagree with Taxes

LBRT: - Voluntarily pay for government services when you voluntarily use them. If these services are such a great deal, then governments won't have any problems finding an ample number of willing customers.

I would rather live in a nation with wealthy neighbors, than wealthy governments.

COMM: - Taxation is unneeded if you cut out the middleman, and simply enslave the populace directly.

 

119: Give examples of junk science that need debunking.

CONS: - The Big Bang

- Studies saying children in daycare do no suffer ill effects.

- Evolution

LIBL: - Intelligent Design

- Studies saying children in daycare do suffer ill effects.

LBRT: - Psuedoscientific studies deliberately designed to scare the populace, and thereby achieve a political outcome.

COMM: - Social Darwinism

 

120: What forms of political expression are protected by the first amendment?

CONS: - Burning books.

- Donating unlimited amounts of money to political campaigns.

- Heckling patients entering Abortion Clinics.

- Boycotting corporations that sponsor immoral television programs.

LIBL: - Burning draft cards.

- Chaining yourself to a redwood tree.

- Loud boisterous protesting to silence those who don't agree with you.

LBRT: - Burning bras.

- Mooning.

- Nude horseback riding.

COMM: - Burning yourself.

 

121: What is the best way to improve the plight of workers?

CONS: - Offer incentive pay, bonuses, and profit sharing to workers who outperform their peers.

LIBL: - Treat all workers in a particular trade exactly the same.

- Pay them exactly the same, irregardless of the quality of their job performance.

- Reward workers based on seniority.

- Force them to join labor unions.

- Intimidate and ostracize all scabs.

- Pay union presidents handsome salaries.

LBRT: - Treat workers like individuals.

- Abolish O.H.S.A.

COMM: - Lay off upper, middle, and lower management.

 

122: What timber harvesting management practices make the most sense to you?

CONS: Sustained-yield clear-cutting.

LIBL: Zero cut.

LBRT: Privatize. Privatize. Privatize. Having large tracts of forests under the direct control of the federal government has led to the politicization of timber management--which is worse than to no management at all.

Foresters are proud professional farmers whose crops are primarily pines and Douglas Firs. One common forestry management practice private timber companies employ is using herbicides to kill the broad-leafed plants that compete with conifers for sunlight, water, and other vital nutrients. Yet, the U.S. Forest Service can't spray aerial herbicides without creating a firestorm of controversy.

In any case, private landowners should be able to do whatever they want with their own trees. This includes preserving them for future generations, or using "slash and burn" to clear the land to start a pineapple plantation.

COMM: Proclaim that all the trees belong to everybody, then arrest anyone caught gathering firewood for the crime of stealing from his neighbors.

 

123: Do you think recreational drug use should be legalized?

CONS: No. Drug abuse is a cancer upon our society.

LIBL: Yes, but only if the drugs are taxed, and regulated. Actually, I'll legalize practically anything, as long as it's heavily taxed and strictly regulated.

LBRT: Yes. People's bodies belong to themselves--not The State. Clearly, people have a right to enjoy their own personal pursuit of happiness via drug induced diversions.

COMM: No. Legalizing drugs would imply the populace was extremely unhappy, and desperately in need of some form of mind numbing escape from reality.

 

124: I commute to work...

CONS: alone in my enormous monster 4x4 pickup truck that measures its gas consumption in barrels per mile.

LIBL: in a very, very, very tiny electric car that would probably lose if it ever crashed into anything larger than a small sized dog.

LBRT: on my own two feet.

COMM: using transit for the masses.

 

125: What kind of diapers do your children wear?

CONS: Disposable

LIBL: 100% organic cotton diapers that you personally rinse out in your low-flush toilet and then hand wash by using biodegradable detergent.

LBRT: Disposable

COMM: Disposable

 

126: Describe your ideal prison.

CONS: A cold dark castle dungeon, with naked prisoners hanging by their ankles. No heat. No electricity. And especially--no conjugal visits!!!

LIBL: Win over the prisoners' hearts and minds by showering the inmates with gracious living.

LBRT: There is neither a legal nor a "moral" justification for putting anyone in prison.

COMM: A prison's physical structure is irrelevant; prison is a state of mind.

 

127: What do you think should be the penalties for serious violations of the law?

CONS: Mandatory prison time, stiff fines, and if they are a person of notoriety, public humiliation in the press.

LIBL: Attendance at a judicial proceeding wherein the accused receives a severe tongue lashing from an angry judge.

LBRT: "Criminals" should only be required to financially reimburse their victims, but only in cases where the "criminal acts" have victims who suffered tangible injuries or loses.

The entire "criminal" court system should be totally abolished. After all, there are no crimes against society, only crimes against individuals. The mere act of speeding is not a crime, because there is no victim. However, if a speeding driver loses control of his car, and kills two pedestrians, then that should be a matter for the civil courts alone to decide.

No, on second thought, the civil courts are just as choked and backlogged as every other government entity. Abolish the civil court system as well. Instead, use private binding arbitration for all dispute resolution.

Now if the "criminal" refused to pay the restitution ordered by the arbitrator, the "criminal" would be seriously endangering his good name and credit rating. "Victims" could then garnish their debtor's wages, or perhaps sell that debt at a discount to a local loan shark with a long established reputation for dealing harshly with recalcitrant deadbeats.

COMM: Send the accused and his entire extended family on a cross-county skiing expedition into the uncharted polar wilderness.

 

128: What are unacceptable police tactics?

CONS: Letting someone off with just a warning

LIBL: Vice Sweeps

LBRT: Drug Raids.

COMM: Paid informants. Informants should be willing to rat out their friends, coworkers, and family without expecting something in return.

 

129: What rules would you establish concerning the naming of public buildings after people?

CONS: The person must be a titan of industry or a military hero.

LIBL: The person must have risen from poverty to become a champion for the working poor.

LBRT: None. Yet, conscience dictates that people in the public sector be excluded.

COMM: The person's political party must hold power when the name change occurs.

 

130: Why do you think politicians love the public school system?

CONS: It provides an excuse for having the State and Federal governments usurp control of education from local school authorities.

LIBL: So politicians can demonstrate they have not lost touch with the common folk, by enrolling their own children in public schools in well-to-do neighborhoods.

LBRT: Because schools provide a perfect opportunity for politicians to use "Bait and Switch" con jobs on the taxpayers. Suppose a school needs to buy more textbooks. The fiscally responsible thing for the school to do is to increase the amount of money the school spends on textbooks, and decrease the amount of money it spends on things that are less important than textbooks, such as school administrators.

However, on hearing of the textbook shortage, politicians swing into "crisis" management mode, and create a whole slew of new taxes that the politicians pledge will be earmarked for the sole use of purchasing new textbooks--and nothing else.

But what has really just happened is that now there is more money available to spend on the things that buying new textbooks would have required the school to cutback it's spending on--school administrators.

COMM: So The State plays the dominant role in molding the minds of young people.

 

131: Flag burning as a form of political protest is...

CONS: a sacrilege

LIBL: a protected form of freedom of expression.

LBRT: a perfect example of a hot button issue where everyone should respect opposing points of view.

COMM: a legitimate form of protest punishable by a firing squad.

 

132: What do you think is the purpose of federal spending programs that give huge amounts of money to the states?

CONS: To give the Feds leverage, so the Feds can dictate policies to the states. For example, the EPA forced California to implement stricter auto emissions testing standards. When the State dragged its feet, the EPA threatened to cut off California's federal highway funds.

LIBL: To give something back to the people.

LBRT: To make the people in the receiving states feel like they are getting free money.

COMM: To demonstrate one of the many miracles of a powerful centralized government.

 

133: What should be done with nuclear waste?

CONS: Store it in special dumps designed to handle nuclear waste.

LIBL: A good way to dispose of nuclear waste does not exist--and never will!!!

LBRT: Finding ways to properly dispose of nuclear waste should be the responsibility of the businesses that produced the waste--not the taxpayers. We must stop subsidizing private industries in this way.

COMM: Entomb it under cement, and be done with it.

 

134: If you were to seek high office, what in your own personal background would qualify you to hold such a lofty position?

CONS: Years of selfishly running a large multinational corporation

LIBL: Years of selflessly working as an activist for community causes

LBRT: Years of selflessly avoiding government services and entanglements

COMM: Years of stealthily running a communist front organization, wherein you manipulated innocent dupes into writing letters to their congressmen urging them to pass pro-communist legislation.

 

135: What do you think about all the non-native plant and animal species that have taken up residence in the wilds of America?

CONS: Many introduced species may turn out to have some as yet undiscovered beneficial medicinal properties, such as curing tobacco cravings. So let's not thoughtlessly form crazed mobs armed with machetes and pitchforks, and go storming through the forests eradicating every alien species on sight.

LIBL: Every exotic species is a hidden time bomb, waiting to explode. And when the destruction finally does occur, by then the vile intruder is too well entrenched to ever be successfully exterminated--even by using all the Non-EPA approved toxins still being manufactured by every rouge nation on Earth.

LBRT: Since increasing biodiversity is the Holy Grail of the entire environmental establishment, exotic species can only be a good thing, because every time a new species colonizes a new habit that habitat's biodiversity is increased.

COMM: The State must expel all foreign invaders.

 

136: My favorite holidays are...

CONS: - Christmas

- Mother's Day

- Veteran's Day

LIBL: - Valentine's Day

- Earth Day

- Take Your Daughter to Work Day

- Gay Pride Day

LBRT: - Independence Day

- Bastille Day

COMM: - May Day

- Labor Day

 

137: On what criteria should college admissions be based?

CONS: - High school grade point average

- Standardized college admission test scores

- Size of parent's donation to the college's endowment fund

LIBL: - Letters of recommendation from teachers

- Student's socioeconomic background

- Average points scored per game

LBRT: - Whatever standards the school you are applying to requires

- Ability to pay tuition without government insured student loans

COMM: - Communist Party sponsored community service.

 

138: What methods should the military use to get new recruits?

CONS: - Convince young adults they have a moral obligation to serve their country.

- Pay soldiers a competitive wage.

- Draft new inductees against their will.

LIBL: - Rely on an all-volunteer force.

- Offer recruits money for college.

- Give veterans bonus points on civil service exams.

LBRT: - Use a slick Madison Avenue firm to develop an advertising campaign publicizing the adventure, excitement, and glory of a military career.

COMM: - Have armed soldiers round up new recruits as the need arises.

 

139: What should be preserved for future generations?

CONS: - Family fortunes

- Historic Buildings

- Black and white movies

LIBL: - The national debt

- Graceland

- The Ozone layer

- Barbie dolls

LBRT: - Liberty

COMM: - The Berlin Wall

- The Iron Curtain

- Lenin's remains

 

140: The best way to improve the political campaigning process is to...

CONS: replace all existing campaign finance laws with a single statute saying labor unions may not contribute their member's dues to political candidates.

LIBL: severely limit the amount of money any single individual or corporation can contribute to a campaign, while at the same time allowing incumbent candidates to fund their campaigns by tapping directly into the wealth of the U.S. Treasury.

LBRT: let every resident (both legal and illegal), business (both legal and illegal), and organization (both tax-exempt and non-tax-exempt) contribute unlimited funds to grease the slippery palms of America's campaign machinery.

The only entities that should not be allowed to contribute to political campaigns are governments (both foreign and domestic), because those funds are morally tainted tax money.

COMM: assassinate (both figuratively and literally) your political rivals before the election even takes place.

 

141: Freedom of religion means...

CONS: freedom for everyone--including The State--to practice religion, and the freedom for me to lobby my congressman to pass laws that force everyone else in the country to follow the rules of my religion.

Of course, legislators do not accomplish this goal by blatantly passing a law that says everyone must obey the Ten Commandments. Instead, each commandment is quietly enacted as ten separate pieces of legislation.

LIBL: freedom for everyone to censor the government from speaking about God, or even indirectly acknowledging His existence.

LBRT: freedom from government establishing an official State Religion that everyone must follow.

COMM: freedom from religion.

 

142: Rules are...

CONS: Good. They stop evil people from doing bad things.

LIBL: Good. They stop powerful people from doing bad things.

LBRT: Bad. "Bad" people ignore the rules. The only thing rules do accomplish is to restrict the freedom of the law-abiding segment of the population--those poor naive souls who honestly believe rules are going to make them safe.

Without rules, everyone is responsible for their own safety, which actually makes everyone more secure, because then everybody always keeps their guard up.

COMM: Good. They force everyone into one cultural mindset.

 

143: List in decreasing order of preference who you think should be responsible for enforcing the laws and maintaining peace on our streets.

CONS: - The DEA

- The INS

- Local Police

- State Police

- The FBI

LIBL: - Unelected Federal regulatory agencies

- Unelected State regulatory agencies

- Unelected Local regulatory agencies

LBRT: - An armed citizenry

- Private binding arbitrators

- Private detectives

- Hired gunslingers

COMM: - The Communist Party

- The Army

- The Secret Police

- An informed citizenry

 

144: Describe features of the ideal military boot camp.

CONS: - In your face drill instructors

- Demanding physical workouts

- Kick-Ass intimidation and humiliation

- Lots of hand-to-hand combat

LIBL: - Emotionally-supportive drill instructors

- Pleasant learning environment

- Brains over brawn

- Co-ed barracks

LBRT: - Spending a harsh winter camping at Valley Forge

COMM: - Banish drill sergeants. In their place, create committees of experienced privates to oversee the training of new inductees.

 

145: What should be the minimum requirements before the FDA permits a new drug to be used by the public?

CONS: Proven safe and effective after 16 weeks of double blind clinical trials.

LIBL: Proven safe and effective after 16 years of exhaustive study. And you can't expect the FDA to just rubberstamp every new promising treatment that comes along.

LBRT: There is a sick person--or a healthy person for that matter--who simply wants to take the drug. People should be absolutely free to seek out and evaluate the effectiveness of their own medical treatments, be they traditional therapies, or unconventional procedures such as coffee colonics, homeopathic aromatherapy, shark cartilage, apricot pits, botulism toxin, or hypnotic suggestion.

COMM: A high-ranking party member needs the drug.

 

146: How should every school day begin?

CONS: Prayer, and the Pledge of Allegiance.

LIBL: A free hot brunch.

LBRT: Roll call.

COMM: Asking each student to please explain to the class where his loyalties lie.

 

147: You caught your children red handed smoking marijuana in the basement. How do you handle this situation?

CONS: Turn them over to the authorities.

LIBL: Tell them to just say no.

LBRT: Break open a brick of your finest stash and join in. Party On!!!

COMM: Warn them that if they do it again, and you'll turn them over to the authorities.

 

148: What should be the minimum requirements for obtaining a driver's license?

CONS: - Know how to operate a motor vehicle safely

- Have an auto liability insurance policy

- Give a complete set of fingerprints, and a DNA sample.

LIBL: - Able to interpret nonverbal international traffic signs

- Not a deadbeat dad

LBRT: - Know how to operate a motor vehicle

COMM: - Are important enough to need a car

- Have all the proper travel permits

 

149: What should be the primary function of the U.S. Coast Guard?

CONS: Drug interdiction and patrolling the borders.

LIBL: Fishing regulation enforcement.

LBRT: Ocean search and rescue.

COMM: Surprise "safety" inspections to conduct all of the above.

 

150: What pain medications should be a vailable to terminally ill patients suffering excruciating intractable pain?

CONS: Aspirin, Ibuprofen, and Acetaminophen

LIBL: Tylenol with codeine, Demerol, and Morphine

LBRT: Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), Heroin, and Opium

COMM: Vodka

 

151: What government program has out lived its usefulness?

CONS: Affirmative Action

LIBL: Corporate Welfare

LBRT: The Selective Service

COMM: The Voice of America

 

152: How do you feel about gay marriage?

CONS: The mere thought of such perversion turns my stomach.

LIBL: It's okay as long as they are discreet.

LBRT: As long as all parties are adults and have consented to the marriage, people should be able to marry whomever they want. This includes the formation of family units in all their infinite human variations: husbands with multiple wives; wives with multiple husbands; and communes of lovers enjoying orgies of pleasure.

COMM: Exile those people to Siberia or San Francisco.

 

153: What do you think about tattoos, and body piercing?

CONS: It is just another example of the evils of peer pressure run amok. The irony is that all these rebellious teenagers doing all these awful things to their bodies, to supposedly express their own individuality, are actually just following the crowd. They just want to look like their friends.

LIBL: They're cool.

LBRT: Since almost every adult woman has her ears pierced, body piercing is obviously already mainstream. What's left for people to decide is how wild and woolly they want to be with their own personal adornment. So go for the gold!

COMM: They are a direct result of the West's decadent cultural mores, that instill in its youth the idea that each person must draw attention to himself, not only by being more outrageously garbed than his peers, but also by having suffered the most personal pain.

 

154: What parts of your bodies are pierced?

CONS: - Women: once on each ear

- Men: none

LIBL: - Women: multiple punctures in each ear lobe

- Men: single puncture in one or both ear lobes

LBRT: - Men and Women: multiple punctures in the ear's cartilage, also pierced navels, nostrils, nipples, and even more up close and personal areas

COMM: - None. My peers frown upon personal adornment.

 

155: What do you recycle?

CONS: - Classic luxury automobiles

- Collectable antiques

LIBL: - Aluminum cans

- Sterile syringes

LBRT: - Marijuana cigarette butts

COMM: - Books by Mao.

 

156: Should people be allowed to sell their own internal organs to patients needing transplants to survive?

CONS: No. Selling organs reduces human life to a mere commodity.

LIBL: No. Permitting organ sales enables the wealthy to exploit the naive and desperately poor, who might be tempted to exchange their own good health for what looks like an irresistibly lucrative opportunity.

LBRT: Yes. Until human organs (of both the living and the deceased) are freely bought and sold like used cars, organs will remain in critically short supply. By criminalizing the sale of organs, the government is attempting to control the price of organs, by fixing that price at free.

But whenever anything has an artificially fixed low price, that item will always be in short supply. Most people simply won't give away anything valuable without receiving something of equal value in return. Sadly, the government's "high moral" stance is costing patients' their very lives.

COMM: No, everything a person needs to survive should be provided free by The State.

 

157: Can animals reason?

CONS: No. Admittedly, animals can perform cute tricks, but only man has genuine intelligence.

LIBL: Yes. Animals can play, communicate, and comprehend the world around them.

LBRT: Yes, probably to varying degrees, depending on the genetic makeup of each species. After all, our own mental capacity did not spring from a vacuum.

COMM: No, although, they are very adept at working as draft animals on collective farms.

 

158: What is the best way to deal with the all the hunger caused by the world's population explosion?

CONS: - Nothing. There is no population problem. In the last fifty years human hunger has fallen by 95 percent, according to the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization.

LIBL: - Use only 100% pure organic farming. Farmers must never use pesticides or chemical fertilizers. Only the natural rainfall that actually falls on the fields may be used to irrigate crops. And rather than using modern trackers and heavy machinery, farmers must prepare their fields by using the same types of draft animals and plows used by Charles Ingles in the book, Little House on the Prairie.

- Scare every farmer on the face of the Earth into not planting new high-yield, easily grown crops that have enhanced nutritional value, but were created by using those Twin Evils of the Modern World: scientific method, and genetic manipulation.

LBRT: - Nothing. Population and food supply are truly a self-regulating system.

COMM: - Prohibit couples from having more than one child per family.

- Ignore infanticide by parents unhappy with the sex of there firstborn.

 

159: What risky things did you do as a child that you refuse to allow your own kids to do?

CONS: - Walking to school by themselves.

LIBL: - Riding a bicycle without a helmet.

- Swimming without sunscreen.

- Playing hardball little league baseball.

- Riding in the bed of a pickup truck.

- Playing dodge ball at school.

- Gorging on sugary, fat saturated junk food.

- Entering anything competitive.

- Engaging in wanton unprotected intercourse.

- Experimenting with pot, other mind altering drugs.

LBRT: - Sorry, nothing comes to mind.

COMM: - Spying for the Soviets.

 

160: Does television set the moral standards of the country, or merely mirror the standards that currently exist in society?

CONS: Television shows definitely set the standards of decency, which is why it is so vital that the entire medium be tightly monitored and controlled.

LIBL: Television shows are a reflection of contemporary mores. During the 1950's divorce was a scandal, illegitimate children kept closely guarded family secrets, and homosexuals routinely rounded up and arrested during vice sweeps. This is why in 1950's TV shows homosexuals are not even discussed, much less given staring roles, and the only single parent households are all the tragic result of the untimely demise of one of the parents.

LBRT: The only people in the television industry trying to influence the behavior of people are the advertisers. By setting acceptable standards for personal cleanliness, fresh breath, and the minimal amount of consumer products one must possess to attain Materialistic Nirvana.

COMM: Television shows, like the Biblical parables of old, should both teach the populace, and shape their attitudes and behavior. For example, during the Clinton administration the government allegedly got TV networks to incorporate anti-drug themes into the plots of prime time television shows. I can wholeheartedly support something like that.

 

161: From what legitimizing authority does the power to govern ultimately come?

CONS: God.

LIBL: The People freely electing those in power.

LBRT: The only legitimizing power a genuine leader should require is the power to persuade others, by using the soundness and logic of his arguments.

COMM: The Army.

 

162: Who would you nominate to the Presidential Hall of Fame?

CONS: Ronald Reagan, for winning the Cold War.

LIBL: Franklin D.Roosevelt, for inventing government safety nets.

LBRT: Gorge Washington and Thomas Jefferson, for being rebels for freedom.

COMM: Joseph Stalin, for expanding communism into Eastern Europe.

 

163: California State law mandates that its residents and businesses recycle 25% of their waste. However, in 1997, the state's own government agencies allegedly recycled a mere 6% of their own trash. Any comments?

CONS: The State of California should set an example by imposing on itself the maximum fine stipulated under the law--$10,000 per day.

LIBL: That is shameful. Environmental laws are no place for a double standard.

LBRT: How lucky for the State of California that when its legislators wrote that law, they had the wisdom and foresight to exempt California's State agencies from having to obey the recycling law.

COMM: There are no moral imperatives requiring states to obey the same rules they impose on their own citizens.

 

164: The solution to traffic congestion is to...

CONS: - build more roads, and highways.

LIBL: - discourage people from driving by quadrupling the price of gasoline.

- severely limit the number of available parking spaces.

- build more busses and rail transit.

LBRT: - make traffic signals, stop signs, and speed limits mere suggestions, rather than hard and fast rules.

COMM: - give everybody a free bicycle.

 

165: People who do not have the same religious beliefs I do...

CONS: never enter Paradise.

LIBL: are innocent victims of unfortunate circumstances perhaps, but surely any God, Gods, Goddesses, or Earth Spirits will judge these poor souls fairly when the time comes.

LBRT: are no less worthy. In fact, short of human sacrifice, people should be allowed to participate in any religious practice they feel brings them closer to God--regardless of how strange those practices may seem to outsiders. These practices can include rattlesnake handling, witchcraft, peyote induced vision quests, ritual animal sacrifice, devil worship, plural marriage and--most heathen of all (in some circles)--referring to God by using masculine pronouns, such as, "Our Father in Heaven."

COMM: should not be permitted to use the open practice of their religion as an act of civil disobedience.

 

166 Give some truly justifiable reasons for the government to use its eminent domain powers to force the sale of a property from an unwilling seller.

CONS: - To build roads

- To build professional sports stadiums

- To raise the values of neighboring properties

LIBL: - To expand National Parks

- To expand casinos and other major theme parks

- To fill city coffers with increased sales tax revenues

LBRT: - Never. Eminent domain is legalized theft.

COMM: - Never. Unwilling owners should be displaced from their properties without being compensated by The State.

 

167: If you were president, what would be your domestic policy?

CONS: God, honor, family and country music

LIBL: Demand more; accept less.

LBRT: Anything goes.

COMM: Thank you for sharing.

 

168: The Department of Education rejected a blind physicist's request for a grant, because his application was not double-spaced. What do you think about this?

CONS: The rejection is justified. He did not follow directions.

LIBL: This is an outrage. Surely the Education Department can make a reasonable accommodation for a disabled applicant.

LBRT: This is another example of everything that is wrong in Washington. That physicist should have been seeking funding from private venture capitalists.

COMM: Bloated bureaucracies can often seem cold, unfeeling and slow to respond to the needs of the individual. However, they are still the most efficient and effective way for government institutions to get things done.

 

169: Do women belong in combat?

CONS: No. Women on the frontlines would seriously hinder our military readiness. After all, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

LIBL: Yes. Women are just as capable and bloodthirsty as men.

LBRT: If they've got the guts, they deserve a shot at the gory glory.

COMM: Yes. Women must shoulder arms fight as equals, Comrade to Comrade.

 

170: What should be the minimum requirements to be eligible to vote?

CONS: - Age: 35

- U.S. Citizen

- Property Owner

- Never arrested

LIBL: - Age: 16

- Citizenship: Optional. After all, if you're eligible to use any service or program funded by the government, then you certainly deserve a voice in how that money is spent.

LBRT: - U.S. Citizen

COMM: - Party membership

 

171: The Bureau of Land Management (BLM) managers feel there are almost twice as many wild horses and burros as there should be for the optimal health of both the animals and their habitat. However, Congress made it illegal to thin the herds by killing any of the animals. So every year the BLM rounds up about 10,000 animals for its Wild Horse and Burro Adoption Program.

Unfortunately, the number of horses rounded up often far exceeds the available adoptive homes. During one of these roundups it was costing the BLM $200,000 a month to feed and care for over 6,000 un-adopted horses. Sadly, it has also been alleged that some people who did adopt horses, sold their horses for slaughter. What are your thoughts?

CONS: Congress shouldn't be micromanaging the BLM. If the herds need to be thinned, the BLM should be free to use the most expeditious means available.

LIBL: The BLM must thoroughly prescreen the people adopting horses. This includes checking for criminal records, bad credit histories, mental disorders, and whether the horses will have enough room to exercise in their new homes.

LBRT: Another fine case a government program achieving the exact opposite of its stated objective.

COMM: This sad story does have one silver lining. Those 6,000 corralled horses are probably much happier and healthier having all their needs being met by The State, than they would be if they were roaming free in the perilous wilderness.

 

172: Ethanol is the chemical in booze that makes people drunk. This chemical is used in a wide variety of common household and industrial products. However, because ethanol produced for human consumption is taxed, chemical companies that manufacture ethanol for industrial applications must add poison to the ethanol to avoid having to pay that tax. This deadly product is commonly called denatured alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

CONS: Another fine example of tax law forcing hidden costs on businesses. Those poisons cost money!!!

LIBL: I only hope and pray those bottles of denatured alcohol have childproof lids, and adequate warning labels.

LBRT: Sounds like concerns about accidental poisoning deaths are taking a backseat to assurances that no one cheats the revenuers.

COMM: Denatured alcohol really puts the toxic in intoxication, but don't indulge or you'll quite literally go blind.

 

173: What unfair stereotypes must be exposed as untrue?

CONS: - Conservatives are racists.

- Conservatives are misogynists.

- Conservatives are money grubbing.

- Conservatives are mean spirited.

- Conservatives are warmongers.

- Conservatives are unenlightened.

- Conservatives are outside the mainstream.

- Conservatives are ignorant dolts.

- Conservatives are Neanderthals.

- Conservatives are just like Archie Bunker.

- Conservatives are not fit to hold public office.

- Conservatives are evil.

LIBL: - People on welfare could probably find jobs if they really applied themselves.

LBRT: - Men with lots of tattoos are probable violent ex-convicts.

- Women with lots of tattoos are wild in the sack and probably promiscuous.

COMM: - People in communist countries are starving.

 

174: Who needs protection from hate crimes?

CONS: - Millionaires

- Hunters

- Loggers

- Chinchilla ranchers

- Furriers

- Conservative judges

LIBL: - Ethnic Minorities

- Abortionists

LBRT: - No one

COMM: - Communists

 

175: How do you feel about copyrights and patents?

CONS: They are needed to protect intellectual property. Without such protections, no one would invest the enormous amounts of time and money it takes to invent new products.

LIBL: I hate them. Patents allow drug companies to charge outrageous prices for prescription drugs to sick and mostly elderly people, because until the patent expires, competing low priced generic drugs are kept off the market.

LBRT: The problem with patents and copyrights is that they eventually expire. Patents and copyrights should last forever. Why should The State get to assign some arbitrary time limit after which the creator gets robbed of his intellectual property protection?

COMM: The ownership of all intellectual property should belong to The State.

 

176: What does women's rights mean to you?

CONS: Treat women better than men.

LIBL: Treat men worse than women.

LBRT: Treat men and women the same

COMM: Treat men and women equally bad.

 

177: How do you feel about free trade?

CONS: The United States should adopt a Tit for Tit and Tat for Tat trade policy. Nations that put high tariffs intended to restrict the ability of American goods to compete in their domestic markets, should have equally high import restrictions imposed on those countries' goods imported into the United States. And nations that permit American goods to be imported into their countries without tariffs imposed should be allowed to export goods to the U.S. without America imposing tariffs on those goods.

The only exceptions to these principles are special cases where the goods imported into the United States are priced cheaper than American companies can produce the same product and are in industries that are vital to America's national security, such as steel. In these cases, high tariffs on those specific industries should be imposed to protect America's domestic producers from completion by cheaper imports.

LIBL: America should impose high import tariffs on every type of domestically produced product to protect American jobs. All too often, cheaper imported products are produced by using workers that earn far less in wages and benefits than American's unionized workers working in comparable jobs. And many of the companies overseas are able to produce cheaper imports, because their businesses are located in countries with lax environmental laws, which allow those businesses to produce products, without having to pay to clean up after themselves.

LBRT: America should have 100 percent free trade with every nation on Earth. By imposing no tariffs on any nation's imported products, America would be setting the best policy for America's long-term economic health, because American businesses having difficulty competing against cheaper imports, are probably companies whose own business practices have become bloated with wastefully spending.

Forcing America's companies to compete against cheaper imports, forces American companies with wasteful ways to trim their fat, and once America's industries have trimmed enough fat to produce products cheaply enough to compete in the global market, America's own economic health will be dramatically improved, because now those more competitively priced products will then be able to find lots of willing customers, not by forcing America's own consumers to pay higher prices through tariffs on imports, but by offering prices that are truly competitive against all the products produced by every nation on Earth.

And although trimming fat at any business is always painful, because it means laying-off employees and sometimes cutting wages, ultimately, it means more jobs, because companies that can manufacture quality products at the lowest possible prices will easily expand their customer base and thereby, be able to hire more employees.

COMM: America should end its trade restrictions against Cuba.

 

178: What should be the minimum wage?

CONS: 75% less than it is right now.

LIBL: High enough so an unskilled single working mother with six kids can afford a 50,000 square foot home on the beach, and still afford to take the entire summer off from work to circumnavigate the globe by traveling on a luxury cruise.

LBRT: There should be no minimum wage laws. Minimum wage laws increase the unemployment rate, because minimum wage rates reduce the number of employees employers can afford to hire.

COMM: Rather than minimum wage laws, there should be maximum wage laws to prevent greedy owners and corporate CEOs from earning obscene salaries.

 

179: Deep within the heart of every person is...

CONS: a vile sinner.

LIBL: a noble soul.

LBRT: an extremist who thinks he's a centrist.

COMM: a downtrodden spirit.

 

 

 

Copyright © 2002 - 2009 by Donald J. Hagen

Email: donaldjhagen@yahoo.com

 

 

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